Almost

Self-portrait: Happier Days?

I found the photo and a half-started sketch in my room and I finished it up. It's weird to draw in semi-realism again, and even weirder to draw myself, especially myself with such a goofy expression. I was more in the mood to draw my own grave or something...

Techs: 50lb sketch paper, HB-7B Staedtler sketching pencils. About half an hour.

I have nothing else to say, really. Still moody, low, touchy and frustrated. Still practically alone in this big house with depressing songs blaring on Repeat. Still picking fights.

Oh, a very unpleasant stabbing pain in my gut. Yeah. That's new.

Hmm...


Almost (circa 2005)

She watched him through burning eyes as he swung back his head, swigged back most of the bottle. His eyes were tired and his face was solemn. Was this really the same boy she’d known only months ago? An echo of his drunken laughter rang in her ears. Now he drank in silence, usually alone with only the clinks and sloshes of the bottles to keep him company.

"It’s just…"

His eyes floated over to her, and he lowered the dull green glass to rest in his lap. She watched his hand, wrapped loosely around the bottle’s neck. He used to cling to the cool, dark glass as they sang and giggled together. It seemed now that the bottle was clinging to him. She pulled her focus up to meet his smoky grey eyes.

"Keep on," his eyes said, "Talk to me, hold me here…help me through…"

"Never mind," she found her mouth saying. She held his gaze a moment longer before she could stand it no longer. Drowning…He’s drowning…We’re both going under... She let go of his gaze, scrambling to find something else to turn her attention to. She stared at her feet for what seemed like ages.

"Life’s short."

Her eyes snapped up to him again when he spoke. Head down in one hand, empty bottle in the other. He was barely moving, he wouldn’t look at her…Had he even said anything at all? She glanced down at the toxic bottle in her own hands. Maybe now was a good time to quit…

"It just doesn’t seem fair, that we have—what, five years?—to do everything. Whatever we do, we like…live off of that for the rest of our lives, you know?"

How was it that the liquid that once emptied his heavy heart now only weighed it down all the more? Once again the drowning feeling tugged at her heart. Pulling her under… She said nothing, but this time when he revealed his tear-stained eyes to her, she fought to hold hers to his. His somber face cracked just enough for a slight tug at the corners of his mouth. The closest she’d seen to a smile from him in over half a year.

She took a long swig from the liquid lead, and this time it felt lighter in her throat.

"Almost like it used to feel," She noted aloud.

"You noticed too?" He glanced over at her, his blurred grey eyes almost sparkling.

-manda

We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far

There in the road, straight ahead

A car was stalled, the engine was dead

I couldn't stop so I swerved to the right

I'll never forget the sound that night:

The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass

The painful scream that I heard last...

Oh where oh where can my baby be?
The lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world