Not Playing The Role To Get Let Down

It may be truer than I like to think: people never change.

Superficially, yes, we cut and dye and dress and colour ourselves into whatever sort of beast we think we would like to be. But deeper down, where all those messy emotions, likes, morals and memories hide, is so well-protected by layer upon layer of deceptive packaging, that it never gets a chance to peek out at the world around it, let alone be affected by it enough to change.

So am I still the self-conscious bundle of hate and nerves that I was during my early adolescence? Or am I the person I was even before that? And the people who hurt me back then, will they hurt me again in the future if I let them? I'm able to get by day-to-day without revealing the little girl I locked up somewhere down the line, but eventually I'll trip and she'll catch a glimpse of the world outside the safety of her shell, and she'll get scared and, hell, maybe cry a little.

Is Jenna's inner self a mean-spirited brat who she attempts to cover with a cheap brand of tolerance? Or is the selfish creature just a layer of her shell, under which a softer, innocent version of herself hides? Does she use me because she genuinely likes to see me hurt, or is it an attempt to hide the fact that beneath it all she's just a scared little girl who put up one too many walls?

Look at me, mulling over the psychological makeup of my supposed enemies. Guerrilla, I am not, but Freud?

As for him... I'm not sure what's going on with him. He won't tell me and I won't ask. It's a perpetual, stubborn cycle of shyness and, potentially, rue. I won't tell him what I want because I don't know who he wants, and he won't tell me who he wants because what he wants is relative to what I want. Or so it seems. I don't know. Maybe I'm not nearly as involved as I seem to think I am. I want him to call, desperately, at this point. He owes me an explanation, or at least a solid hint. I'm treading air, here...

There are very few bands whom write songs that describe my romantic situation so well, so bear with me while I quote The Higher at the end of my entries for the next month...

-Manda

And I don't mind having that someone around
If you listen and write
Then the lesson in life's not playing the role of the let down
And I know I'm casually learning to get down
And we're crazy concerned,
Attention deserved, not playing the role to get let down