On a Dime

I'm semi-grounded. My mom wants me to reconsider my friendships, because she's noticed that shit tends to go down when Hannah and I are in the same place at the same time. I'm not very eager to obey, but we'll see.

I've already promised myself to build some walls between Shelby (because she's antagonized me over my mistakes not only to my face but behind my back) and Tammy (because she's taken over my mother's job as my primary caregiver, and it's obnoxious and wrong on multiple levels), but Hannah is a more gentle species than her mother and sister, contrary to popular belief. She likes to mask it with a wild-child exterior, but she's really very conscientious and deep. I suppose I'm very much the same, which may very well be the foundation for the friendship we've built over the past year or so.

I've been writing my CD wishlist for the 2007-2008 school year. School comes with multiple sources of pressure and stress, which collectively weigh down on me enough to cripple my spirits, and my theory is that if I have this list, each time I need a crutch I can go out and buy one from the list. It will provide a momentary bliss, a temporary high if you will, which should be enough to get me back on my feet long enough to pick up some momentum again.

The only rule is no hardcore, no emo, no screamo. That's like adding fuel to the fire, which is not what I'm looking for. I go pop/rock/altrock or I go musically hungry.

My List So Far:

Junior Varsity- "Cinematographic"
Boys Like Girls- "Boys Like Girls"
Yellowcard- "Paper Walls"
Sum 41- "Underclass Hero"
Paramore- "Riot!"
Motion City Soundtrack- "Even if it Kills Me", "Commit This to Memory"
The Harlots- "Connoisseur of Ruin"

I like the idea, really. I think it's going to help. I guess.

I had some unexpected conflict with Mel and Jenna last night, involving some drunken texts (they were drunk alone at Mel's house on a Wednesday night. Way to go, ladies) which were... well, not too horrible, but not kind-hearted either. I've been telling myself to ignore them, that they just want to compete with me and that fact alone should be flattering if anything, but these are the girls that made my life hell for me in elementary school, and as recovered as I seem to be, they still scare the living shit out of me.

It's quite possible that I'm addicted to hating myself (suicide junkie?). I'm talking it out (verbal detox?), though, and hoping for the best (insecurity rehab?).

Laughter from yesterday still lingers in the air. Life truly is a funny thing, if seen through the right perspective.

-Manda

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame,
Not anymore
It's your turn, so take a seat
We're settling the final score

And why do we like to hurt, so much?
I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel
When you're not here
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built
When you were here
I still try holding onto silly things,
I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.